VMAs: Fugly From the Block

Dear America,

I am Jennifer Lopez and I am so very happy! Look at me kicking up my heels in pure glee! Glee! I'm gleeful! And why? Have you seen my husband? [I haven't seen him tonight myself because we're sort of pretending we're not married, but come on, girl, you saw those paparazzi photos I released to the Star.] My whole life I've been dreaming about this man, you know? Our relationship is so, so real.

Oh, there he is! Lookit him! Look!

I have dreamed -- yes, mi amores, dreamed -- about someone like Marc. He's so... weensy and bird-like and man-tanned and Living Dead-y. What girl doesn't long for a man who looks embalmed? He's my own adorable little leathery Manoerexic, Tanorexic Marc! I tried to put him in this handbag I have here, but his left arm wouldn't fit, no matter how I tried. My handgun takes up a lot of space in there.

Okay, enough about Marc. Let's talk more about me, America. Are you not totally wild about my hat? I am. I wear it a lot. You've probably seen it before. It's part of my Zorro costume, the one that my stylist won't let me wear out of the house. She'll see the light soon enough -- and by "soon enough," I mean, "When the brakes on her Land Rover stop working." Hahahaha! I'm sorry, I don't mean that. Forget I said it. Forget it.

And check out the shoes! I carved them myself out of the ivory tusk of an elephant I had killed for me, and then I popped them into the toaster oven until they turned that nice nutty brown color. They're part of my new J Lo shoe line! And how do you like the ruffles on my dress-thing? They clash, don't you think? They're so kicky! Like my new movie, Shall We Dance, which will be in theatres in November. Go see it. Seriously, America. See it.

Speaking of the dress thingie, isn't taupe a deliciously festive color? Someone told me I looked like a walking See's Candies Butterscotch sucker, but I fired him. Do candies wear sparkling sequined belt? Do candies wrap themselves in spandex-satin that totally squashes their boobs down? No, sir, they do not!

How about my ugly jewels? None of them match! In fact, my entire outfit is all about not-matching. Because, and I don't know if you've heard this, but I'm totally real. Seriously, don't be fooled by the rocks that I got... because they're ugly! Hahahahahah! Did I mention how fucking happy I am? I'm so very really really happy. I am not upset about that whole no-wedding thing with WhatsHisName -- Bob Fleefleck? Bill Kerfluck? Brett Whoffleck? -- at all. Not at all. I am totally over it. Totally, totally over it. So over it. Write that down, America! J Lo: HAPPIER THAN FUCKING EVER.

Thanks!

Love,

Jennifer