"Hi. I'm Sienna Miller. You might remember me from such tabloid reports as, 'Jude Law Splits With Sadie Frost, Cavorts With New Co-Star While Wife Minds Kids And Sinks Deeper Into Depression,' or 'Jude Law To Girlfriend Sienna Miller: "Stop Talking About Things You Don't Know Anything About."'
"Soon, you will know me as The Blonde From The Alfie Remake, assuming I'm still in that film somewhere. But just in case that doesn't work, I want you to hold a special place in your heart for me as somebody who soldiered through a difficult fashion situation:
"As you can plainly see, the dress I bought for whatever event this is didn't end up coming with supportive shoulder straps of any kind. The top was hanging limper than John Travolta in his marriage bed. It was a bad seafoam-green nightdress straight out of my grandmother's Lord & Taylor drawer, and it was comin' on down like it was the next contestant on The Price Is Right.
"Did I let that get to me? No. Did I cry a little and call Jude and ask him to tell me that I'm pretty? Maybe. I'm not telling. BUT … did I save the day by taking gaffer tape and building myself a harness, rooted at my neck and crotch, that would hold up the garment while I walked the red carpet? YES. Did I design the tape harness to make sure everyone's eye was drawn to my crotch, and therefore away from my fairly ugly dress? YES. Did I make sure I slouched on the red carpet so that none of the tape would rip off accidentally? YES.
"And did watching all those MacGyver episodes finally pay off? YES. In your face Richard Dean Anderson.
"Now, if only I'd thought to put on some lipstick..."
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