Fug & Order: Criminal Intent

GRAVELLY VOICED NBC ANNOUNCER: "Coming soon to NBC in November sweeps: A Law & Order spinoff that starts with a crossover you won't believe.

The brand new Law & Order: Fashion Police force will debut in L&O: Criminal Intent with a dramatic arrest... of one of their own."

"What's the charge, Officer?" Kathern Erbe's character will scream through her tears.

"You're under arrest for Reckless Deployment of Gold Lamé -- looking like a chocolate Emmy™ statuette that somebody only partially unwrapped," the officer will boom, throwing her up against the wall of the station as Vincent D'Onofrio sweats lightly and pulls at his thinning hair.

And then, the Miranda rights: "You have the right to remain indoors. Anything you wear in public can and will be held against you," the arresting officer will say, cuffing her. "You have the right to brown velvet jeans and a matching tank top, but only if you don't dress it up with any old spangly thing. You have the right to gold lamé, but only if you wear it carefully in the context of an evening gown and, at some point in the night, hurl a martini glass at the retreating figure of someone who has just bested you in a verbal joust. Wearing this gold lamé jacket violates the law and abuses these personal rights."

He will then drag her downtown as Erbe weeps softly, "I thought gold lamé was my friend."

The officer will smile at her pityingly. "We get that a lot, Ma'am," he will say. "Most people are easily seduced by the sparkle, but you have to remember that lame is more often your enemy -- it would willingly, knowingly, fug you and your whole family if it had the chance."

Erbe will then land in the clink and be recast on her show with someone who is pretty but whose talent is considerably less -- you know, the way it always goes with female leads on Dick Wolf shows.