Fug Diggers

The premiere of National Lampoon's Gold Diggers was, not surprisingly, a veritable buffet of fug in the way that the premiere of something like, say, Merchant Ivory's Repressed English People Living Beyond Their Meager Income In Order to Maintain The Standards of The Class Into Which They Were Born would not be. Full of people I barely recognize -- and, people, I have a subscription to Star -- this event appears to have taken place at the Apex of the Fugiverse.

For example, this outfit? Restrained in comparison to others at the same event. This poor anonymous starlet/model might as well have worn a nun's habit or hair shirt, so modest and demure and tasteful does she appear in comparison to her fellow Gold Diggers.

I do like that she decided to accessorize that outfit with a crucifix. Jesus loves short shorts. And yes, I just called an outfit made of the mesh material they bag oranges in and ruffled hot pants demure. So prepare yourselves for...

This:

Someone could put an eye out on those hipbones. Either put them away, or hand out safety goggles to everyone within a five foot radius. Not to mention the fact that she looks like the lovechild of a rodeo whore and the ruffed valence hanging over my kitchen windows.

Speaking of curtains:

Sometimes, I just don't know what to say. This is one of those times. I don't even know what's going on there. The dress has rendered me speechless. I am without speech. Except to point out that this gown features: toile, black lace and gray illusion netting. It's about five inches of netting away from actually being a figure skating costume. For The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas On Ice.

Speaking of whorehouses:

Seriously, was this a costume party premiere? Were the invited guests instructed to look as tacky as possible? I really want to know. Because I can't think of any other reason for this outfit. The tacky plastic white boots? The enormo, hot pink boobs? The fishnets? The very short, very crinolined shirt, edged in both hot pink and lime green? Why? How? What?

I have to lie down.